One Day

One day

You’ll lose the one thing you never imagined your life without. 

For moments that feel like an eternity, everything in your life is worthless in comparison to what you lost. 

You’ll feel like it’s a dream, you want SO BADLY for it to be a dream. 

And when you realize it’s not,

You’ll react. 

You won’t know yourself. 

Your hands will throw things that once mattered to you. 

Your mouth will scream words you don’t mean. 

Your anger will destroy whatever you have left. Your despair will bring you to the floor. 

Your mind won’t care. Your heart won’t care. But your lungs work in overdrive you keep you in this moment. In this pain. 

It won’t last forever. But it will never go away.

You’ll only allow your heart to truly feel when it’s necessary. 

That love will hurt because it’s coming from a broken place wanting so badly to be fixed. 

You’re missing pieces but you still allow the damn thing to keep trying. 

Only now, even the smallest infractions cause that reaction. That explosion of emotion.

But don’t regret it. You have to work harder to love. To forgive. To give your all to someone and explain the missing pieces. 

One day. 


A Month in Review…

We’ve been MIA. For no “good” reason.

So let me get you up to speed the best way I know how:


I caught up with some FWENDS


We celebrated a BIRTHDAY!


We planted some JELLYBEANS in hopes of growing LOLLIPOPS!


I was proud of my newly promoted BIG KID!





I perfected the VIBE


…and we flew a KITE


We had visit from a bunny with GIFTS


We deep conditioned #WASHDAY




Even through the BAD DAYS


I hate being away from the blog so much, specially after a whole year of this wild ride.

But I have some sad news.

Sound of Reign will be taking a hiatus and will return in JUNE!

The podcast will still be weekly– The twitters will still be poppin– and I promise the return will have a real update ! Stick with us!


I finally got my hands on another medium I love, PODCASTING!

I know I am pumped– let me chill out and walk you through what’s happening.


Tf is a podcast? Basically it is a recorded broadcasts that can be downloaded or streamed. I always describe it as a talk show on the go.

So yeah I really wanted a show to not only say the things I cannot communicate through this blog, or on twitter (p.s: it’s #tweetlikeDrake day on my twitter … so yeah). The great thing about the show is that it’s not just my perspective on things…



Well me…obvi


and my best friend Dev:


After 10 years of friendship, why wouldn’t you want to host a weekly show with me??? Between the two of us, Dev brings a level headed realistic sense to the show. You will love her as much as I do.


So Dev and I spend hours on the phone going over the frustration that comes from growing up where we grew up, adulting, maintaining a social life and a love life, along with a healthy mental state. These are conversations that I wanted to share on a larger scale… conversations I wish someone had with me while I was an awkward teenager attempting to find my way in Chopticon through the sea of jocks and super sweet sixteens.
To put it simply, we are for anyone who has ever struggled to find their place in the world. Screw it, let the world find it’s place with you. We are right here with you, every Monday!


That’s the news ya’ll ! Big thank you to Lyds from the Record.Talk.Listen Podcast for taking me under your wing and showing me all of the secrets. We appreciate you so much!


The first episode is available online NOW! You can find us on iTunes and our podcast page: The Dev&Eb Podcast

Subscribe and Rate and say NICE things




Just Asking … Hypothetically Speaking

We are 3 days behind…but stick with me here, by the end I think it will be understood.

I am going to rant/ramble in the most organized way possible.

I think it is important to sit in your thoughts when things get heavy and while I am open and share many aspects of our life… but I have made it a point NOT to present problems without solutions. What I mean is… don’t be that friend who complains about the same problems with out ever saying “maybe I could try this”. You cannot fix everything that I know, but never stop thinking of ways to be better.

So I didn’t share this week because I did not have solutions. I did not even have clear thoughts. So I sat in it … in my emotions, thoughts, feelings, surroundings, etc. and while I may not have “solutions” I do have a clear handle on my thoughts and I wanted to just exhale my thoughts finally.

I have been thinking about:


I know it is weird to start with that. I have been thinking that it is easier to defend yourself by just saying “I hate you” or “I hate them” rather than articulating the feelings you’ve had to get you to the point that you could put something so heavy on someone who you obviously let in close enough to have any sort of emotion towards them (all of this is on a personal level not on a general level). It seems like the “hate” between two people is created and amplified from the people that surround them. Example: heart broken girl cries to her best friend, best friends response is “screw him, you’re too good for him, i hate him now”… turning the heart broken girl’s sadness into anger and resentment and eventually hate. When you disclose the worst things about someone to people around you when you are hurt, they archive that for reference when you begin to think “it wasn’t all bad…”
why have I been thinking about this… well the thought of the above scenario scares me… because active hate takes energy, passion, and thought. Whereas forgiveness and/or indifference uses less energy at the time and in the long run is healthier.
I thought about it this week… is there someone I hate? Someone I should hate?
no… I do not hate anyone, that I can say for certain. I know that because I thought about the next question, is there someone I should hate and if I was to be the objective friend… yes… there is someone, with a list of reasons. But the fact that I needed to think “should I hate them” … took too much energy for me to think it is logical to hate them.  Now I am not saying you should keep toxic people in your life or keep giving the good of you to people who don’t deserve it… I just feel that if you expending the energy it takes to hate on someone you are taking the good of you away from the people who DO deserve it. While it would be awesome if everyone you let into your space respected the trust they have earned and if they didn’t… they could bow out gracefully, that just isn’t how the world works.

I have been sitting in this thought of hate because I am thinking…”am I an idiot” because I don’t “have it in me” to hate someone I let in? Is my indifference really just ignorance ? See I really do not like presenting questions/problems without solutions. It’s just that… an exchange I had in the past (like a year and half ago) has been replaying in my head quite a bit recently.

True story… Christmas (time) circa 2015 or 2014 I can’t remember exactly…someone I am indifference towards was super excited to give me a “gift” and that year I think I had gotten them something… I also can’t remember exactly but if I did …it was a real gift. So we meet and with the biggest smile…they present me with this “gift” and my heart dropped. It was this large purple accordion folder that I’ve had since high school that had everything from my fake hall pass to my college acceptance letter to my child’s birth certificate (not the official one, the one they send you saying this is what it will look like if you pay 50$) my real one was in there though. When I moved, I thought I had it but I could not find it…and while I knew I did not drop it on the highway, I knew it was gone forever…
So needless to say I was excited to have not only the memories back but real life documents I needed too. I opened it right there… and there were two things in it… the newspaper article reporting my best friends’ death and a cd with the song someone made for her memorial. This was my “gift”.

Their smile said “I have taken the things you loved and replaced it with the event that hurt you the most…merry christmas.” All they really said was “I thought you would want this”.

Am I ignorant for thinking that this is moment where I realized I do not hate them…but they truly hate me.

The reason I have been thinking of this particular incident brings me to the next complicated emotion I have been thinking bout which is:


While I do believe in karma and good vibes (all that)… when I see someone I “should hate” or am indifference towards, hurting, I am immediately empathic. I don’t jump to the “what goes around comes around” tweets. I am quick to put myself in their shoes and I can feel myself hurting for the pain I think they feel. Why I am struggling with this? BECAUSE WHY? WHY am I so willing to care about people who have only cared about themselves. Obvi I don’t run to these people and give them my emotion. I heard this phrase “hurt people, HURT people” and obvi I have been hurt but I feel like I go out of my way not to hurt others. So am I doing it wrong? I do not feel like I get hurt as easily by people anymore but does that cancel out when I hurt for others who have hurt me?

(no seriously — answers needed).


Are those things signs of damage? or growth?

Yeah that’s been a lot– my bad? Not really… you were thinking it too.

Just me, trying to figure some thangs out.

To put it simply:

I’m just all in my feelings.




All of the Stars

So… I have seen a ton of weddings in the past 2 years. Even as an event planner it still pulls my heart strings.

I figured I was ready for this weekend, ya know… just another Friday that happens to be my best friend’s wedding day… I got this… right?



“get your life together” She mouthed at me as she walked down the aisle. So I am an emotional mess. But I want to show you my finer moments of the day… bridal party pre-game. Some of my behind the scenes shots mostly using my camera to distract myself from my inevitable emotions. So lets see!

The makeup junkie in me LOVED this part:

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

I might have been the only one of us that wasn’t anxious about a stranger doing our makeup an how it might look. I am all about it, I was excited to see her vision… and needless to say she did not disappoint.

This slideshow requires JavaScript.


Just a few of the seven ladies that made up the bridal party. Looking absolutely flawless for an evening that was the definition of perfection.

Outside of stuffing my face to ease my anxiety (and to prep for the alcohol consumption to come), I took a second to document the bouquet I was sure I would loose and the shoes I knew wouldn’t stay on long after the ceremony. While responding to the bride-to-be’s text messages requesting a play by play (while she was under the dryer at the salon)



The suspense was killing me… I hung the robes, ironed the shirts… everyone had their dresses and boots and such… now I am just waiting. Jennifer left at 6 am and we were within 5 hours of the ceremony when I got the “I’m here” text. The flower girls were running around super excited to see her finally! I am anxious thinking…” does she like her hair?”….” will she like everyone’s make up?” …”is she nervous?”…” did we forget anything?”

“She was…. happy.”

A nervous happy. A bunch of thoughts racing around in her head but none you could clearly read on her face… none she would admit to.

“She was… beautiful.”


“glowing no matter what”


“I know all the love she can give”



…then it was time


Congratulations Jennifer.



Did You Just Tell Me to Chill??

I’ve been doing things a bit differently. Obviously you can tell from the last post. I have to. Things get crazy and it’s easy to fall under the fog and let your anxiety and depression get you down. Yep, I said depression. It’s okay. You get sad for reasons you can’t explain. So how do you do things daily to stay mentally sharp so your lows don’t seem so low? Well I have been reading a lot about mental and physical wellness and trying to see how it can actually work for me without breaking my wallet or  who I really am. Yes, it’s okay to talk about mental health as a woman and a mom…
So let’s see:

“Eat well”

Well, I eat …. better. Don’t skip breakfast. Don’t work through lunch. For the longest time, I was skipping meals because my life is so hectic I wouldn’t even thinking about eating until I was ready to fall asleep, so I’d grab a snack… or worse… I would just go to sleep. No good. 


Oatmeal is my goto. I didn’t do breakfast because I am not much of a morning person. Oatmeal is not as heavy on my stomach like eggs or pancakes. If that’s not enough, add yogurt. 

If you are feeling extra fancy, slice up some fresh fruit before work put it in a ziplock container. Munch while you’re checking your email. Healthy and productive. My favorite: cantaloupe, strawberries, mango, and some blueberries. 

Mom tip: make two, maybe it’s just my child who is a greedy fruit monster… but I’ll take it. 

“exercise exercise exercise”

Ok so there are 24 hours in a day. I’m not going to break them down hour by hour but I’m busy af. As I am sure you are too. I don’t want to make excuses but I don’t have time or money for the gym right now. I travel a bunch for work and a lot of my hotels have gyms which are cool but when you’ve been out of the game for so long, it’s a bit intimidating. It takes steps… literally. So my hotels also have elevators, but I only use them when I have a ton of luggage. Otherwise, I use the stairs. Park far from my office, walking at upstairs to talk to my coworkers rather than IM them … you know, everything you read in cosmo. It helps a lot during the day when I start to mentally clock out early. If you are a bit more advanced than I am, there is a yoga channel on YouTube the instructors name is Adrianne and she chill but not an unrelatable level of zen. Another easy quick fix: squats. Morning noon and night. 

“live by the ACV”

If you don’t know, now you know. Apple cider vinegar will love you down head to toe. I was super skeptical at first. I also didn’t want to walk around smelling like vinegar  but It’s worth it! Here are some Ways to use ACV that I live by. 

AVC shots in my tea in the morning. 

Detox baths. 

Face masks with bentonite clay and ACV. 

Natural hair cleanser. 
You’ll find something you love!


That word sounds too… real. But forreal. Just take a seat. In mom terms: take a potty break. I usually only get one to myself and that one is usually as soon as we get home. If I yell through the door “mommy is pooping” I usually buy myself 5-7 minutes. I completely rethink the entire day, good and bad, then I leave it all there. Start a fresh night with my little lady. 

The best advice I got that mediation does not mean sitting in silence and not thinking at all, that’s impossible… for me at least. I’m a thinker. An over thinker. Meditation is supposed to be whatever fully relaxes you head to toe. For me that’s identifying the problem and getting over it. For some that’s sex or cleaning… clear your head. 

“control your space”

Clean your room. Yes you’re an adult, I know. But I have noticed I feel better when my space looks better. When I am not stepping on toys. Even menial things. Crawling into a made bed. Driving a clean car. You spend so much time taking care of others… your kids, spouse, your clients… take care of your stuff not just because it’s general house keeping. Because you appreciate you. For the first time in my life I have an entire house so it’s been hard for me to live outside of my bedroom. I’m used to having a defined space so to have a full kitchen, dining room, basement… all that cool stuff is new to me. For the longest time my walls were empty, my mantle was bare, my grass was up to my knees… it really took me stepping back and saying “this is mine, I need to take care of it” for me to decorate and find a lawn guy. Utilize my ample storage. I had to take pride in the entire house and really intentionally make it a home. And I feel better. I rush home after daycare, ready to light some incents, turn on some music or an audio book and make dinner while fi plays in one of her many self defined spaces. It is easier to leave work at work when I come home to a space that is clear and enjoyable. Where things are organized in a way that works with me. My bed is made but I do not have to immediately put the important mail in my bedroom so it doesn’t get mixed up with others… it’s just my stuff. It’s nice. Your home should be your sanctuary. For me, comfortable and clean is the number one tool for anxiety reduction. Same thing with my office, I’ve never had an office before. Usually just a large desk shared with students… so this is nice and for a while, just like at home, I didn’t alter it much. I just did my work and left. I knew the only way for me to feel comfortable in my position and confident in my role was to claim my space. Even with things as small as a plastic framed photo of fi and I and some of her school drawings to my degree hanging on the wall… finally not collecting dust next to my couch. It all seriously makes a difference in the energy that enters your space and the energy you give off while in your space. 

 “enjoy your own company” 

No, I am not saying sit at home alone all the time… but if you happen to be alone, at home, it shouldn’t be discouraging. In high school I was always one of those people constantly making plans with like 5-7 of my “closest” friends so when everyone grows up and apart where does that leave you? I am just saying, it is kind of hard to know and love yourself when you are constantly aligning with the schedule of others. So many people (myself included) have been or are currently stuck in relationships they have no desire to be in because the thought of being alone is worse than the unhappiness they experience with their partner. At 23, I have to call bull on that. I value all of the relationships I’ve been in good and bad… but I’ll be damned if I do not love shopping alone, Netflix binging alone, working out alone. I am never “lonely” because I love the space I am in and because I know myself. I know that I rather take people and heavy situations in doses. Does that mean I’ll never want to share this energy with someone? No way of course not. But I know that someone will respect and appreciate the separation needed to have a fulfilling relationship… for me at least. I used to feel bad for people eating at restaurants alone but I’ve easily become that person and the thought of a 16 year old waitress taking pity on my complete serenity has not even crossed my mind. 

This could be the mom in me speaking but idk… try it. 

And lastly

“do it. Just because you want to”

This seems almost too easy to include but idk it took me some serious time to get a handle on this. I needed to develop a “F*ck it” button. Not all of the worlds problems can be solved in a day. Seriously I was making at least 4 to do list a day and getting so frustrated as they seemed to be never ending then my frustration would cloud my mind and I was mentally useless. My solution for getting overwhelmed used to be “work through it” then I lost 25 pounds (not on purpose) and my face, hair, skin… were all showing my stress. I had a tough time saying no to people. No I can’t drive you to the airport or no I can’t wait for the cable guy at your house. Even with projects I am working on, it was hard for me to stop myself mentally. I was always always taking notes of ideas or staying up until 2 am editing different things or researching things. These things done occasionally are not that bad. But this became part of my normal routine and I didn’t care how I felt because I was getting things accomplished. I had to figure out that the biggest accomplishment is setting realistic goals and reaching them without compromising my health. Basically I just needed to be a bit easier on myself which has helped because I work so much better when I am well rested and well nourished. So don’t feel guilty when you take care of yourself or take a step back. 

Ideas to add ?



A Real Risk

So I have been silent lately. Unusually silent… Some what because I have been working on some big projects for the site but more so out of respect and shock over some of the tragedies in Florida. I cannot say anything you have not read or heard on the news and it is really just not me to comment on the facts and figures of a situation like this. All I can really say is what happened was BAD and things like this SHOULDN’T HAPPEN.

Now like I said part of my silence has been out of shock. I mean this is the kind of thing you have nightmares about right? I read that this was one of the “deadliest mass shootings in U.S history” which is terrifying because there has been more than one “mass shooting.” It’s scary because its becoming just about people…. not what type of people… not that it would justify it… but just about killing people wherever people may be…  not only that, even if it were about a certain type of people…. they are still human beings with families and friends who love them. With jobs and bills… I guess I will never understand hate. The true hatred a person must have for their own existence that they would disregard the lives of others and take out their own personal struggles on other human beings. From elementary schools to churches and movie theaters…. it is just heartbreakingly terrifying that the target is …happiness.

Thinking of all of this makes me anxious… as a mom… as a woman… as a person who is happy with themselves and their life. I spent a lot of time hanging out with Fi… going for long walks… showing her the BEAUTIFUL trees and the BEAUTIFUL water and the BEAUTIFUL animals… like I’ve always said even when things might be going her way in life I want her to be able to see beauty in other things… things and people around her…

I am not so much worried about myself I am thinking of her future I guess.

When I was in high school there were days that I would dread going to school. I was never “black enough” or “pretty enough” or even “cool enough”. I had braces, glasses, and a short red pixie cut. It was not until graduation rehearsal that I stopped giving a damn. But the four years up until that point, I was scared. Scared of what people might SAY to me… but never did I think I should be afraid of what people might DO to me. No one should fear for their life just for being who they are.

Everyone has crappy days that is no secret. But I feel like it is the people who have the crappy days without the good people to vent to. The people who feel like they are too far gone to look back to ask for help. These are the people who no longer see the beauty in the little things…. the “light at the end of the tunnel”.

We live in a society where if you are confident–you are conceited. Where make up makes you fake. A society where mental illness means you are “crazy“. In a society where it is easier to judge than it is to love and accept. It’s easier to see someone struggling on the street and think “ew get it together” than it is to say “Are you ok? Do you need any help?” There is a cloud made of hate and fear mixed with resentment and ignorance that is making it incredibly hard to see the good in the world.

I feel like this is always said but somehow not heard enough…

“Love yourself enough not to fear judgment and love others despite the risk.”