We are 3 days behind…but stick with me here, by the end I think it will be understood.
I am going to rant/ramble in the most organized way possible.
I think it is important to sit in your thoughts when things get heavy and while I am open and share many aspects of our life… but I have made it a point NOT to present problems without solutions. What I mean is… don’t be that friend who complains about the same problems with out ever saying “maybe I could try this”. You cannot fix everything that I know, but never stop thinking of ways to be better.
So I didn’t share this week because I did not have solutions. I did not even have clear thoughts. So I sat in it … in my emotions, thoughts, feelings, surroundings, etc. and while I may not have “solutions” I do have a clear handle on my thoughts and I wanted to just exhale my thoughts finally.
I have been thinking about:
I know it is weird to start with that. I have been thinking that it is easier to defend yourself by just saying “I hate you” or “I hate them” rather than articulating the feelings you’ve had to get you to the point that you could put something so heavy on someone who you obviously let in close enough to have any sort of emotion towards them (all of this is on a personal level not on a general level). It seems like the “hate” between two people is created and amplified from the people that surround them. Example: heart broken girl cries to her best friend, best friends response is “screw him, you’re too good for him, i hate him now”… turning the heart broken girl’s sadness into anger and resentment and eventually hate. When you disclose the worst things about someone to people around you when you are hurt, they archive that for reference when you begin to think “it wasn’t all bad…”
why have I been thinking about this… well the thought of the above scenario scares me… because active hate takes energy, passion, and thought. Whereas forgiveness and/or indifference uses less energy at the time and in the long run is healthier.
I thought about it this week… is there someone I hate? Someone I should hate?
no… I do not hate anyone, that I can say for certain. I know that because I thought about the next question, is there someone I should hate and if I was to be the objective friend… yes… there is someone, with a list of reasons. But the fact that I needed to think “should I hate them” … took too much energy for me to think it is logical to hate them. Now I am not saying you should keep toxic people in your life or keep giving the good of you to people who don’t deserve it… I just feel that if you expending the energy it takes to hate on someone you are taking the good of you away from the people who DO deserve it. While it would be awesome if everyone you let into your space respected the trust they have earned and if they didn’t… they could bow out gracefully, that just isn’t how the world works.
I have been sitting in this thought of hate because I am thinking…”am I an idiot” because I don’t “have it in me” to hate someone I let in? Is my indifference really just ignorance ? See I really do not like presenting questions/problems without solutions. It’s just that… an exchange I had in the past (like a year and half ago) has been replaying in my head quite a bit recently.
True story… Christmas (time) circa 2015 or 2014 I can’t remember exactly…someone I am indifference towards was super excited to give me a “gift” and that year I think I had gotten them something… I also can’t remember exactly but if I did …it was a real gift. So we meet and with the biggest smile…they present me with this “gift” and my heart dropped. It was this large purple accordion folder that I’ve had since high school that had everything from my fake hall pass to my college acceptance letter to my child’s birth certificate (not the official one, the one they send you saying this is what it will look like if you pay 50$) my real one was in there though. When I moved, I thought I had it but I could not find it…and while I knew I did not drop it on the highway, I knew it was gone forever…
So needless to say I was excited to have not only the memories back but real life documents I needed too. I opened it right there… and there were two things in it… the newspaper article reporting my best friends’ death and a cd with the song someone made for her memorial. This was my “gift”.
Their smile said “I have taken the things you loved and replaced it with the event that hurt you the most…
merry christmas.” All they really said was “I thought you would want this”.
Am I ignorant for thinking that this is moment where I realized I do not hate them…but they truly hate me.
The reason I have been thinking of this particular incident brings me to the next complicated emotion I have been thinking bout which is:
While I do believe in karma and good vibes (all that)… when I see someone I “should hate” or am indifference towards, hurting, I am immediately empathic. I don’t jump to the “what goes around comes around” tweets. I am quick to put myself in their shoes and I can feel myself hurting for the pain I think they feel. Why I am struggling with this? BECAUSE WHY? WHY am I so willing to care about people who have only cared about themselves. Obvi I don’t run to these people and give them my emotion. I heard this phrase “hurt people, HURT people” and obvi I have been hurt but I feel like I go out of my way not to hurt others. So am I doing it wrong? I do not feel like I get hurt as easily by people anymore but does that cancel out when I hurt for others who have hurt me?
(no seriously — answers needed).
Are those things signs of damage? or growth?
Yeah that’s been a lot– my bad? Not really… you were thinking it too.
Just me, trying to figure some thangs out.
To put it simply:
I’m just all in my feelings.