One Day

One day

You’ll lose the one thing you never imagined your life without. 

For moments that feel like an eternity, everything in your life is worthless in comparison to what you lost. 

You’ll feel like it’s a dream, you want SO BADLY for it to be a dream. 

And when you realize it’s not,

You’ll react. 

You won’t know yourself. 

Your hands will throw things that once mattered to you. 

Your mouth will scream words you don’t mean. 

Your anger will destroy whatever you have left. Your despair will bring you to the floor. 

Your mind won’t care. Your heart won’t care. But your lungs work in overdrive you keep you in this moment. In this pain. 

It won’t last forever. But it will never go away.

You’ll only allow your heart to truly feel when it’s necessary. 

That love will hurt because it’s coming from a broken place wanting so badly to be fixed. 

You’re missing pieces but you still allow the damn thing to keep trying. 

Only now, even the smallest infractions cause that reaction. That explosion of emotion.

But don’t regret it. You have to work harder to love. To forgive. To give your all to someone and explain the missing pieces. 

One day. 

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The Fastest Slow Jam. 

It’s odd. I know I said I was taking a break but it’s late and I’m thinking (what’s new?). If my recap didn’t reveal, something has changed.

I have this feeling that…for once I cannot fully put in words. But I know it when I hear it…

And it’s not all in one song–

I feel like…

“everything that don’t make sense about me

Makes sense when I’m with you”

-Hunter Hayes

And …

“My mind is open

So wide since you came inside

I feel so alive

Without you life just passes by”

-Jhene Aiko

Which is scary because …

“Well I know you know, everything.”

-Taking Back Sunday

And since you still insist on loving me unconditionally

“all that I’m asking

Is that you handle me with caution

‘Cause I don’t give myself often”

-Alessia Cara

Which is odd because now…

“…I’m trying hard to figure out

Just how I ever did without

The warmth of your smile…”

-*NSYNC

Yeah. I just get so dazed in this feeling in the best way and…

“I’ll give my all

To you

I’ll go to war

For you

-Damiyr

Which I am sure you never thought you’d hear… from me but my friends reminded me it’s okay to be happy and…

“You can’t keep the sunsets from fading

You gotta treat your life like you’re jumping off a rope swing

Baby cause the whole thing’s really just a shot in the dark

You gotta love like there’s no such thing as a broken heart”

-Old Dominion


Honestly…

There were broken parts of me I thought would never heal until I met you thankfully and now…

“All of the stars you make them shine like they were ours

Ain’t nobody in the world but you and I”

-John Legend

I truly mean that …

“Whenever I’m alone with you

You make me feel like I am home again

Whenever I’m alone with you

You make me feel like I am whole again”

-311

And I was perfectly fine alone. Just me and fi. Even though it has taken some convincing …

“You give me a feeling that I never felt before

And I deserve it, I think I deserve it”

-Alicia Keys

But still…

“… you’re so brave, stone cold crazy for loving me

Yeah I’m amazed…”

-Jhene Aiko

To be real…

“All I really need is to know that

You believe

Yeah, I would die for you, yeah

Darling if you want me to

You, I would die for you…”

-Prince

Yeah it’s weird and perfect and slightly terrifying to think

“…that I can’t ever tell you enough

That all I need in this life is your crazy love”

-Thomas Rhett

For once I think I can

“Show love with no remorse…”

-Red Hot Chili Peppers

And from the first time your smile lit up the blanket fort in my living room I knew I was trapped… honored to be falling fast and hard because…

“This is the way

I wanted it to be with you

This is the way

I knew that it would be with you”

-Red Hot Chili Peppers

A Month in Review…

We’ve been MIA. For no “good” reason.

So let me get you up to speed the best way I know how:

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I caught up with some FWENDS

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We celebrated a BIRTHDAY!

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We planted some JELLYBEANS in hopes of growing LOLLIPOPS!

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I was proud of my newly promoted BIG KID!

 

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I “CRAFTED”

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I perfected the VIBE

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…and we flew a KITE

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We had visit from a bunny with GIFTS

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We deep conditioned #WASHDAY

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I SMILED

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Even through the BAD DAYS

 

I hate being away from the blog so much, specially after a whole year of this wild ride.

But I have some sad news.

Sound of Reign will be taking a hiatus and will return in JUNE!

The podcast will still be weekly– The twitters will still be poppin– and I promise the return will have a real update ! Stick with us!

Just Asking … Hypothetically Speaking

We are 3 days behind…but stick with me here, by the end I think it will be understood.

I am going to rant/ramble in the most organized way possible.

I think it is important to sit in your thoughts when things get heavy and while I am open and share many aspects of our life… but I have made it a point NOT to present problems without solutions. What I mean is… don’t be that friend who complains about the same problems with out ever saying “maybe I could try this”. You cannot fix everything that I know, but never stop thinking of ways to be better.

So I didn’t share this week because I did not have solutions. I did not even have clear thoughts. So I sat in it … in my emotions, thoughts, feelings, surroundings, etc. and while I may not have “solutions” I do have a clear handle on my thoughts and I wanted to just exhale my thoughts finally.

I have been thinking about:

Hate

I know it is weird to start with that. I have been thinking that it is easier to defend yourself by just saying “I hate you” or “I hate them” rather than articulating the feelings you’ve had to get you to the point that you could put something so heavy on someone who you obviously let in close enough to have any sort of emotion towards them (all of this is on a personal level not on a general level). It seems like the “hate” between two people is created and amplified from the people that surround them. Example: heart broken girl cries to her best friend, best friends response is “screw him, you’re too good for him, i hate him now”… turning the heart broken girl’s sadness into anger and resentment and eventually hate. When you disclose the worst things about someone to people around you when you are hurt, they archive that for reference when you begin to think “it wasn’t all bad…”
why have I been thinking about this… well the thought of the above scenario scares me… because active hate takes energy, passion, and thought. Whereas forgiveness and/or indifference uses less energy at the time and in the long run is healthier.
I thought about it this week… is there someone I hate? Someone I should hate?
no… I do not hate anyone, that I can say for certain. I know that because I thought about the next question, is there someone I should hate and if I was to be the objective friend… yes… there is someone, with a list of reasons. But the fact that I needed to think “should I hate them” … took too much energy for me to think it is logical to hate them.  Now I am not saying you should keep toxic people in your life or keep giving the good of you to people who don’t deserve it… I just feel that if you expending the energy it takes to hate on someone you are taking the good of you away from the people who DO deserve it. While it would be awesome if everyone you let into your space respected the trust they have earned and if they didn’t… they could bow out gracefully, that just isn’t how the world works.

I have been sitting in this thought of hate because I am thinking…”am I an idiot” because I don’t “have it in me” to hate someone I let in? Is my indifference really just ignorance ? See I really do not like presenting questions/problems without solutions. It’s just that… an exchange I had in the past (like a year and half ago) has been replaying in my head quite a bit recently.

True story… Christmas (time) circa 2015 or 2014 I can’t remember exactly…someone I am indifference towards was super excited to give me a “gift” and that year I think I had gotten them something… I also can’t remember exactly but if I did …it was a real gift. So we meet and with the biggest smile…they present me with this “gift” and my heart dropped. It was this large purple accordion folder that I’ve had since high school that had everything from my fake hall pass to my college acceptance letter to my child’s birth certificate (not the official one, the one they send you saying this is what it will look like if you pay 50$) my real one was in there though. When I moved, I thought I had it but I could not find it…and while I knew I did not drop it on the highway, I knew it was gone forever…
So needless to say I was excited to have not only the memories back but real life documents I needed too. I opened it right there… and there were two things in it… the newspaper article reporting my best friends’ death and a cd with the song someone made for her memorial. This was my “gift”.

Their smile said “I have taken the things you loved and replaced it with the event that hurt you the most…merry christmas.” All they really said was “I thought you would want this”.

Am I ignorant for thinking that this is moment where I realized I do not hate them…but they truly hate me.

The reason I have been thinking of this particular incident brings me to the next complicated emotion I have been thinking bout which is:

Empathy

While I do believe in karma and good vibes (all that)… when I see someone I “should hate” or am indifference towards, hurting, I am immediately empathic. I don’t jump to the “what goes around comes around” tweets. I am quick to put myself in their shoes and I can feel myself hurting for the pain I think they feel. Why I am struggling with this? BECAUSE WHY? WHY am I so willing to care about people who have only cared about themselves. Obvi I don’t run to these people and give them my emotion. I heard this phrase “hurt people, HURT people” and obvi I have been hurt but I feel like I go out of my way not to hurt others. So am I doing it wrong? I do not feel like I get hurt as easily by people anymore but does that cancel out when I hurt for others who have hurt me?

(no seriously — answers needed).

Lastly:

Are those things signs of damage? or growth?

Yeah that’s been a lot– my bad? Not really… you were thinking it too.

Just me, trying to figure some thangs out.

To put it simply:

I’m just all in my feelings.
-eb