Ten “Busted” Single-Mom Myths

So for this post I reached out to my followers on Facebook and the most requested topic was single motherhood. Which I found interesting because all too often you see “memes” complaining “no one wants to hear about your ‘single mom struggle'” or finding a way to diss/dismiss single moms like its an annoying trend. I am happy people are want to know what it is like whether they are single parents or not. I can only speak from personal experience so I think the easiest way to explain this lifestyle — my lifestyle is with:

Ten “Busted” Single-Mom Myths

*disclaimer- I am just one person with one child living one life… I do not speak for all single moms.

10: We are bitter/angry

I think this is the biggest misconception about single moms (sometimes even just single women of a certain age). I think it is easier to imagine that it would have to be a nightmare of a situation to breakup a family and raise a child on your own than it is to think that two people who were mature enough to create a child are also mature enough to know that the best home for that child may not have both parents in it. Either way, you have to be happier that you have created a better situation for your child even if you are doing it alone. Will it sting a bit if when your ex moves on? I guess that depends on you and how that relationship actually ended but I think as long as whatever feelings you may be harboring do not bleed into the upbringing of your child then there is nothing to fear. Plus it is almost impossible to be “bitter” towards anything when you have two little eyes that see you as the queen of the world.

9: We are hard to please/date

Honestly, for me, I think that this idea comes from the many articles that read “caution to the man thinking of dating a single mom”. We are not rabid dogs or teething infants. We are also not these feeble little creatures that just sit waiting in the dark until someone comes along and makes this a whole family again. I think perspective partners of single parents get in their own way by thinking “oh man, I have to be their child’s mom/dad” or “I need to provide for their household” no no no. While we appreciate the open mind, I never want to feel like I am burdening someone with my lifestyle. I cannot speak for everyone but I think when a single parent takes the time to find someone and actually date it is not just to get their bills paid or to take on a parental role. They just want someone to make them happy. Simple… treat them like a normal person… respect their space and obligations while still showing interest. BE HONEST… if family is not in your future plans… just say so. If you hate germs and all things sticky… be real about it. I rather have your honesty in the beginning than your resentment/disgust 6-12 months down the line.

8: We Hate on Opposites

Meaning we do not like two parent households… or we find it hard to connect with our friends or colleagues with children and are happily living in a two parent household. That’s just not true! My struggle does not define me or the relationships I have with people. Just because I am raising my child on my own does not mean I hold resentment towards people who aren’t. Kids are kids… we are all attempting not to vomit while changing a blowout. Parenting is hard enough whether its one parent or six… why make it a competition?

7: We Don’t Have a Social Life

The term “Social Life” changes when you become a parent–regardless of the situation. Its hard for me to really defend because I have always been happier at home on a Friday night… But every now and then I will go out with my other mom friends or invite friends over after bed time… but I do not feel like I am missing anything. I would say I have a healthy social life… It is a win win for me if I can combine spending time with my child and my friends and we all have a good time. And yes, I understand, as a parent you do have to have time to yourself and do something for yourself every now and then I just rather not spend that time in a bar where high school girls are using fake ids to get hit on by old men who basically live in the bar. But it is all up to preference.

6: We Have “Baby Daddy Drama”

Yeah… no… If I am just being blunt…. you choose to have “drama” with your child’s father. If you engage in that nonsense then YOU have drama. If you have horrible things to say about your child’s other parent without being asked (whether it is true or not) chances are you are the drama. Now if you do not have a perfect co-parenting relationship with the other parent it does not necessarily mean there is drama. To me, baby daddy/mama drama is when you are arguing about everything but the child… when there are not clear boundaries established. Having disagreements that are related to the child you share..that’s just part of parenting… arguments about something you were tagged in on Facebook… that’s drama.

5: The Struggle is Real

For some reason the idea of a mother raising her child alone will still get you that look of sympathy and that “one day you’ll find someone that will treat both of you right” speech… while I appreciate the concern and what I am guessing is compassion… what if “we” don’t find someone… are we going to make it?! How did we do it for so far?! I guess I don’t want my child to think she is at a disadvantage because she has just one parent. Especially if they are a great parent… When Fi was an infant and I had to go to the store for just a few things I would dread the “why didn’t she just leave the baby at home with her dad instead of bringing her out in the snow” looks… and I would pick times to go to the store when I knew it would be empty so only the cashier would have to stare at me balancing a baby bottle and sorting my WIC checks… But I got over that… My kid had to eat…I had to run to the store for toilet paper or pads at odd hours… I couldn’t let what I THOUGHT people were thinking of me stop me from doing what I needed to do. Even if they were really thinking “oh you poor thing” their thoughts were not funding the specialty soy formula and I knew this was going to be my life… and we are OKAY… better than okay most of the time…  if I spent the time feeling sorry for myself the same way strangers do… I am not sure if we would be as great as we are.

4: We are “damaged”

Outside of having a child with someone else… potential partners have to wonder what happened to that someone else and what it has done to me. While some single parenting situations come from some pretty devastating situations… it is all about the comeback. Yes, it is harder to trust the next person… there is more at risk… but your past should not be taken out on your future. I just feel like people have the idea that if two people could not make it work for a child how could they make it work for any other reason… sometimes making it work for the child is choosing not to be together… I am making it sound like a peaceful easy conversation which in many cases it is not… many times there are lawyers and all that junk and it can be very ugly but I think that only makes you more certain of what you want in the future. I feel like if a person can break down those walls… and be with a single parent… it is well worth it.

3: “But …. I Don’t need no man”

(or woman..its 2016). That’s not a real thing though… I rarely hear a single mom say things like that… it is usually a man trying to gauge their chances saying “Oh I bet you don’t need a man huh?” hmmm what I don’t need is someone assuming what the hell I want and need in my life.

 2: “Well that’s it for you huh?”

Young moms probably get this a lot too even if they are not single moms. It is WAY harder to advance in your career or education when you have a baby but not impossible. It’s about time management, having a reliable support system, and understanding you cannot prepare for everything so don’t beat yourself up when you have to put your child before your other obligations. People say this absent mindedly and who knows if it is truly meant to be hurtful or motivating but that’s really up to you.

1: It’s just that easy…

By it…I mean… sex… and not just like hook ups….okay this sounds weird.
True story… last summer I was out with some friends and I saw a guy I had not seen since high school and to be honest I did not interact with him often back then… but anyway he came up to me and we were chatting for probably about 2 minutes before he just blurted out “you should have my baby… just one… my parents will help raise the baby it would be all good.” I have ONE CHILD… my uterus is not for hire. Sadly enough this was not the only time someone has approached me with a proposition to carry their children… When did that become an acceptable pick up line. My kid is cute and all but I do have some other talents. Weird right?

I am sure there are many more (I could go on for days)… but the easiest way to shake off any of this negativity is just to smile. Be honest with yourself… set goals and blow past them. You have to remember, not only are you trying to be a great person… you are trying to raise a great person!

Tell me some of your stories!



A Real Risk

So I have been silent lately. Unusually silent… Some what because I have been working on some big projects for the site but more so out of respect and shock over some of the tragedies in Florida. I cannot say anything you have not read or heard on the news and it is really just not me to comment on the facts and figures of a situation like this. All I can really say is what happened was BAD and things like this SHOULDN’T HAPPEN.

Now like I said part of my silence has been out of shock. I mean this is the kind of thing you have nightmares about right? I read that this was one of the “deadliest mass shootings in U.S history” which is terrifying because there has been more than one “mass shooting.” It’s scary because its becoming just about people…. not what type of people… not that it would justify it… but just about killing people wherever people may be…  not only that, even if it were about a certain type of people…. they are still human beings with families and friends who love them. With jobs and bills… I guess I will never understand hate. The true hatred a person must have for their own existence that they would disregard the lives of others and take out their own personal struggles on other human beings. From elementary schools to churches and movie theaters…. it is just heartbreakingly terrifying that the target is …happiness.

Thinking of all of this makes me anxious… as a mom… as a woman… as a person who is happy with themselves and their life. I spent a lot of time hanging out with Fi… going for long walks… showing her the BEAUTIFUL trees and the BEAUTIFUL water and the BEAUTIFUL animals… like I’ve always said even when things might be going her way in life I want her to be able to see beauty in other things… things and people around her…

I am not so much worried about myself I am thinking of her future I guess.

When I was in high school there were days that I would dread going to school. I was never “black enough” or “pretty enough” or even “cool enough”. I had braces, glasses, and a short red pixie cut. It was not until graduation rehearsal that I stopped giving a damn. But the four years up until that point, I was scared. Scared of what people might SAY to me… but never did I think I should be afraid of what people might DO to me. No one should fear for their life just for being who they are.

Everyone has crappy days that is no secret. But I feel like it is the people who have the crappy days without the good people to vent to. The people who feel like they are too far gone to look back to ask for help. These are the people who no longer see the beauty in the little things…. the “light at the end of the tunnel”.

We live in a society where if you are confident–you are conceited. Where make up makes you fake. A society where mental illness means you are “crazy“. In a society where it is easier to judge than it is to love and accept. It’s easier to see someone struggling on the street and think “ew get it together” than it is to say “Are you ok? Do you need any help?” There is a cloud made of hate and fear mixed with resentment and ignorance that is making it incredibly hard to see the good in the world.

I feel like this is always said but somehow not heard enough…

“Love yourself enough not to fear judgment and love others despite the risk.”



Flashback Friday

“And I ain’t never did this before no”


I swear I used to hate that song but it came on today so I reached out to Facebook and that’s what we are talking about today.

That’s right we are talking about S E X. If you can even call your first time that.

I want to say that all first experiences are the same but how would I know I was not in your bedroom.

It’s awkward right?

It was a decent amount of time ago… I am not going to say a “long” time but you never forget…

So I remember I was an extremely naïve girl head-over-heels for the neighbor boy. He was not just any boy though. He was too cool for school, but smart as all hell. I personally thought he was the most handsome man but the boy refused to brush his long chocolate brown hair. Beautifully crooked teeth and an adorable laugh. He was right in line with my “type” skinny as hell and goofy looking and I loved him as much as a teenaged girl could love anyone besides herself and her parents on most days. He was my first kiss… as we were walking on a dirt road behind my house… He was sweet when he wanted to be… or when he messed up. He did not have much… and that’s what I like the most about him. He knew who he was, he did not leave the house with the intention to impress anyone.

Yep, I loved this guy. I was certain this was the man I was going to marry… yep I knew this 17 year old guy was it for me. So we did it. Yeah…IT. Five full minutes of completely protected combined confusion.  After…I did not speak to him for hours I was in such a state of amazement and devastation. When I finally did speak to him…I ended it. I broke up with him. Not because of the awkward bedroom exchange that just happened… but because that awkward exchange solidified my feelings and I could not risk being heartbroken. To be honest with everyone including myself… it was a test… was he going to take the prize and run or was he going to drudge through all of my unnecessary emotions to love me?

Well he passed… he was not just going to let me end things that way… which was smart. We dragged things out for the next year or so. We have not spoken in years, but I am certain there is no bad blood. One thing  I admired about this guy was his independent approach to life, his willingness to speak the unpopular opinions. The firm stance in what he believes him.

I am saying this because all too often people look at their past partners with regret. I believe you take something from everyone you are with whether it is just a short term relationship or a fling. Even the person who broke your heart the most… no matter where they are in the world… reading the word heartbreak makes you think of them. But there should not be regret, those who have hurt you, made you hurt for a reason. If they left you… it was for a reason. Whether they are doing well or they are living the worst life, YOU are better because of the person they portrayed to you. The person you either never wanted to be or the person you wanted to impress.

For a while I was thinking many of my exes were sitting back somewhere laughing thinking I told you so… but now I cannot help but to think they are following along confused and slightly amazed.  Bringing me back to my first, the first person to make me question, believe in, and reevaluate myself.